Γ 16

[silk_for_calde]

I feel as though I am always speaking of the benefits of confession, when the curses so often force us to air truths we'd prefer to keep under wraps. Today I find myself ashamed to have confessed; both because I lied, and because I did not.

I strive to be an honest man. I am a good man when I can be one. But honesty is nearly always possible, and as I am a poor liar, even when it is inappropriate the truth tends to find its way out. Much of my tale was true, yesterday. I did go to rob Blood's villa-- to 'solve the place,' as my friend Auk would have said-- and I did find my way to Hyacinth's quarters as I sought to escape his guards. I won't repeat all of it; I'm ashamed to have spoken so candidly, when there are so many in this City who should not hear of those matters.

The great lie I told, under the curse's influence, was that I stayed with her. Though she did ask me to, I refused. She threatened me with an azoth-- I've been told she would not really have harmed me, and I am inclined to believe those who told me so-- and I leaped from her window to escape it. In truth this is as embarrassing as the lie, when I imagine what a fool I must have seemed. That is how I broke my ankle; and needless to say I was swiftly captured as I tried in vain to reach the boundaries of Blood's property.

But now-- I have been thinking all day how to say this, yet I am still uncertain how best to word what I wish to express. There are things I know, things I do not need to question-- things of which I am certain. I know that the Outsider loves each and every one of us; that had I broken my oaths he would have forgiven me. I know that love is the most important thing in the whorl. That we must love one another, if we are to survive; that love is what keeps us whole and human, and that no one who truly loves another can be a bad person at heart.

I said yesterday that I try to love all bios, and that I usually succeed; and when I do not the failing is certainly my own, for there is no one so irredeemably evil that he has no spark of goodness in him. That is the truth; I'd like to believe it's in my nature to feel that way, but the truth is it is something we are taught in the schola, a part of becoming an augur. It ties in to the issue of anipotence; we do not marry, we have no biochemical family, because all men and women are our family. We have no children, but call everyone who lives in our quarter my child. I said that in that respect, it is not wrong to love, and that is true today as well; it would have been wrong, however, to forsake my vows and my duty for the sake of the body's desires, and knowing that, refusing to remain was really not so difficult a choice.

And yet... Denying yesterday's confession, I feel like I am lying again. I should say; I have loved three women in my life. My mother, first, to whom I owe my life and everything I am today. Maytera Marble, who has been a true and constant friend to me, a help and a comfort when I first came to the Sun Street manteion. And Hyacinth; Hyacinth whom I left in her cage, thrusting her invisible blade through the air like the Rani's troopers. I cannot say for certain whether I regret not staying, because it was not really my decision to make-- I owe the gods too much to forsake them. In the same position once more, I would not stay with her.

And yet to say today that I do not love her would be a lie.

I am not a lecher, and I seek not to be a liar; whether I am a traitor or a heretic remains to be seen, and certainly there are those who would label me as such. All I can do is try to be truthful, and be a good man when I can.

Judge me if you will; the Outsider and Comely Kypris know my heart, and do not hold it against me, and for that I am more thankful than I have words to show. May Pas forgive me; may Hyacinth forgive me as well, at home in our whorl.

Comments

[lionesscouchant.livejournal.com]

Hullo.

[silk_for_calde]

Lucy--

Thank you.

[lionesscouchant.livejournal.com]

Of course, Silk.

I would never deny you.

[silk_for_calde]

And there is another thing I know in my heart, Lucy; that you are a good person at all times, and an invaluable friend. I said yesterday that I don't deserve as good a friend as you, which is probably true-- but I am certainly glad to have one.

I only hope I didn't shock you too badly, speaking as I did.

[lionesscouchant.livejournal.com]

Oh no. Once I realized it might be private, I didn't read the rest.

[silk_for_calde]

That is... probably for the best.

[unkindnessof.livejournal.com]

I don't know what you confessed to yesterday, but the curse was aimed at making us all lie and believe it. You don't have to explain yourself for it.

[silk_for_calde]

Raven! It's been too long since we spoke!

It's a weakness of mine; besides, there was enough truth to it that I can't let it be written off as mere curse-born nonsense.

I claimed I was in love with a woman named Hyacinth, which is true; and that I gave up-- well, everything; to be with her. Which is not.

[unkindnessof.livejournal.com]

That's my fault; I've been keeping to myself for the most part recently.

I wouldn't call it a weakness; there aren't many people myself included who could be so forthcoming. Especially concerning personal sacrifices.

[silk_for_calde]

It's a pleasure to see you in any case. I hope you've been well, though?

I suppose I'm not a terribly private person; and I'd rather share the whole truth than let people guess at the half-truths the City wishes me to air. I cannot sacrifice to the gods here, so the least I can do is make an offering to the Outsider of my honesty.

[unkindnessof.livejournal.com]

Well enough. How about you? It really has been a while, hasn't it?

You're very devoted to them; I'm sure they appreciate that more than any sacrifice.

[silk_for_calde]

I've been well; fairly quite myself, I'm afraid. I read a lot, and think of home more often than is healthy, I'm sure.

I'm devoted to one, at least; the only one who is here with me. I would like to do more but I tend to think he understands. Besides, there's nothing wrong with other forms of sacrifice, though it's a little strange not holding services. One becomes accustomed to a routine, I think.

[unkindnessof.livejournal.com]

I've been doing a lot of both myself. It's easy to get lost in them, isn't it.

[silk_for_calde]

Certainly it is. I enjoy Earth's literature quite a lot, I wish we had more books in my own whorl. A lot must have been lost, and still more forcibly kept from us, when we left the Short-Sun Whorl.

[unkindnessof.livejournal.com]

Forcibly kept?

[silk_for_calde]

I shouldn't speak so candidly. But...

When bios-- human beings-- were put on the whorl, they were made to forget certain things, to help them become accustomed to it. I can't help but wonder what things we left behind on the Short-Sun Whorl, what knowledge it was that Pas deemed too dangerous, or perhaps merely unnecessary, for us to have.

[unkindnessof.livejournal.com]

There were things on my home too that were considered forbidden. From what I know of them, I can see why, but I wonder ... if people don't know, then they don't know the dangers of it. Is that really the best policy?

[silk_for_calde]

I don't believe it is, but of course, I am not privy to Pas' reasoning.

There are a great many things we once knew-- how to build chems and Sacred Windows, how to make bandages like the one Dr. Crane had-- things that would be beneficial for us to know now. Only Pas could say why we're not permitted.

[unkindnessof.livejournal.com]

Dr. Crane? Dr. Jonathan Crane?

You could learn all that here. There are books on all of those, if you're interested. I don't think they're dangerous in the life or safety-threatening sense of the word.

[silk_for_calde]

No-- only Doctor Crane. That may not be his real name, I am not certain; he's from Trivigaunte so it seems likely that it's merely an alias. I don't believe they pattern their names as Vironese do.

I have been reading a wide variety of subjects, but many of the things that interest me are rather too technical for my comprehension, sadly.

[unkindnessof.livejournal.com]

-- ah, okay. It's just ... there was another Crane here until recently and I'm not sure his advice would be the best to take.

What have you been reading?

[silk_for_calde]

Lately? Saint Augustine. I'm not as familiar with the theology he represents as I'd like to be, but I am enjoying it nonetheless. A lot of what he says reminds me of the Chrasmologic Writings-- though to be honest, many Earth religions do.

Also I read a book-- I think a student's text-- on astronomy, in an attempt to better understand this whorl, physically.

And some treatises on divination, but most of them are very strange.

[unkindnessof.livejournal.com]

Fortune-telling often is, even when it's authentic.

There are copies of almost all the holy texts of the different religions in the Library if you're interested in theology; there might even be a copy of your Chrasmologic Writings. Many religions do sound the same, I agree, even though I'm not familiar with yours or even the vast majority of the ones out there.

[silk_for_calde]

The air of skepticism towards divination is curious as well; I guess I am accustomed to taking it for granted that the gods might choose to speak, that the pattern of the whorl is written into it. Other whorl's deities do not seem to craft theirs in the same fashion.

I've yet to find a copy of our Writings, but I find.. shared stories. Similar names, but scattered through other Books. Some of it is quite... interesting. It answers some questions and raises countless new ones.

[unkindnessof.livejournal.com]

You could ask; there are a few here who claim to be gods of their own worlds.

That seems the case for most knowledge gained. Still, it keeps it from getting boring and stagnant.

Private

[elevatorwarrior]

You really believe that? That people can't be a bad person and still love someone, maybe doing evil things for that sake?

Private

[silk_for_calde]

That's a twofold question. I'll answer the second part, or what seems to be the second part, first. Evil things can be done for good reasons; or good things, for evil reasons. Why that is, or whether the reason outweighs the deed, the Outsider alone knows, sadly. I have done my share of ill for reasons I believed-- and still believe-- to be worthwhile; perhaps in the end, all we can do is seek to live up to our own standards.

As for the first part: 'No one who loves something outside himself can be wholly bad.' That's it, or nearly it-- though I can't take any credit for that. Those are the words of a goddess; Comely Kypris, of my own whorl. And I do believe her, yes.

Private

[elevatorwarrior]

And should you not live up to even your own standards, is that what makes a bad person?

Private

[silk_for_calde]

Is it? I'm not certain. It's the only standard you can really be measured by, though. Only you know the reasons behind your actions, the goals you're seeking to achieve and whether they are intended to harm or benefit others. I'd offer to consult the gods for you, my son, but I've not found a method of divination that works correctly here since hepatomancy is out of the question.

Examine your actions and be honest, at all times, with yourself; that is vital, I feel. Honesty always helps.

[doujin-dork.livejournal.com]

I don't think too many people will judge you.

[silk_for_calde]

I think you're right, Hiyori. Though it might be different at home; my title holds little meaning here, after all.

[doujin-dork.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's true.